BREAKING: Texas Rangers’ Artemi Panarin Declares for NBA Draft, Enters Transfer Portal
April 10, 2025 | Arlington, TX — In a move that has left fans, analysts, and reality itself utterly stunned, Texas Rangers left fielder Artemi Panarin has officially declared for the 2025 NBA Draft, while simultaneously entering the NCAA transfer portal—despite having never played college basketball or, in fact, college sports at all.
This shocking announcement came via a cryptic Instagram post featuring Panarin dunking on a Fisher-Price basketball hoop with the caption: “Multi-sport menace. #NBADraft2025 #TransferPortalLegend.”
For those keeping track, Panarin is, quite notably, not a member of the Texas Rangers baseball team. He is, in fact, a Russian-born NHL star and elite winger for the New York Rangers—a completely different sport, league, and, yes, species of “Ranger” entirely.
Wait, What?
According to sources close to the situation (read: very confused interns), Panarin “felt limited by the constraints of only being excellent at hockey” and wanted to “explore his true calling: hardwood greatness.” When reached for comment, Panarin reportedly said, “Steph Curry is nice. But has he ever checked someone into the boards mid-pick-and-roll?”
The NBA has not commented on whether Panarin is eligible for the draft, but insiders suggest Commissioner Adam Silver is “honestly just curious to see how this plays out.”
NCAA: “We Have No Idea What’s Happening”
The NCAA transfer portal has been overwhelmed since the announcement, crashing briefly after thousands of users tried to look up “Texas Rangers Basketball Stats.” Several NCAA schools have already reached out to Panarin with scholarship offers, including Duke, Kentucky, and inexplicably, the University of Alaska Fairbanks.
An anonymous NCAA compliance officer was quoted saying, “This technically breaks about seventeen eligibility rules. But it’s also kind of awesome.”
The Fans React
Social media exploded within minutes:
“Panarin at point guard is a mismatch nightmare. Man glides like he’s on ic “Wait. The Rangers don’t even HAVE a Panarin???”
“Sign him. Can’t be worse than what we got now.”
Even fellow athletes chimed in. NBA MVP Nikola Jokić, when asked, simply laughed and said, “Panarin? That guy’s crazy. I love it.”
What’s Next?
While experts scramble to update their draft boards to include the 33-year-old left winger with zero basketball experience, Panarin is rumored to be training with a combination of streetball legends and retired Globetrotters. Meanwhile, ESPN has bumped his “athletic versatility rating” to 99.
Whether this ends in an NBA contract, a March Madness cameo, or just the greatest sports prank of all time, one thing is certain:
Artemi Panarin is taking his talents to… somewhere.
Let me know if you want a more realistic or serious version, or if you’d like to turn this into a parody series!
